Pour The Sugar

With the most romantic day of the year fast approching, I thought I'd enlighten you with the basics of a good snog, rated E for everyone. These are all tried and true methods, patented pendending.These work best on baby's bellys, but if you do not have any avaiable, a cat or puppy will do. You may need to restrain older unwilling participants. Wet lips are a must. Spearmint schnapps doubles as lubricant and breath freashner I find.

Smooches:

Mixer- start out on stir, (hmwa, hmwa. hmwa,hmwa) turn it up to blend, (mwa- mwa-mwa-mwa) and finish on whip mode,(wawawawa).

Vacum cleaner- Start this one on the kisse's digits and work inward toward the belly reagion. (Broommbroommbroommbroomm.) This one is good if you have a cold, you just pretend you are clogged. (Broommbroomhicbromm.)

Chopper Hog-Best used on an unsuspecting relaxed belly. No tattooing required. (BULBBA-BLUBBA-BLUBBA-BLUBBA-BLUB-BLUB-BLUBBLUBBLUBBLUB)

Dive Bomb- Sing theme from "Top Gun" as you run across the room. (NEARRR-PHWHOOOO -PHEWWWW). Leave no man behind.

Cob of Corn-Must be pecked in horizontal lines. (smack-smack-smack-smack-roll kissee in circular mannor, smack-smack-smack-smack) Butter optional.

Extreme Kiss-Look kissee straight in the eyes. Lick lips in a wildly exagerated mannor. Throw head back while breathing in deeply. In slow motion, matrix style, use sound effects. (AhhhhhhhhhhhhSMACK.) The anticipation involved with this one is enough to make me pee my pants.

Suction kiss- This is the most interactive of all kisses. Does not work on pets. Pretend you have an invisable straw in your mouth and you are trying for that very last drop of chocolate milk. But kick up the volume to cement pump volume. (SLEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWW). When this kiss is appied to you you must emeadiatly drop what you are doing, because of the pull, and fly across the room untill your lips or cheek is locked onto the kissers. This one has, when properly done, pulled me through a closed and locked bathroom door.

Accidental Kiss- Cough while falling Kramer style on the intended kissee. (SMOOCH) Mannors dictate you excuse yourself imeadatly.

Slurpy-Yell, "Whats that hanging off your face?" Move in fast. (Slurp) "Yes, just what I thought it was. Slurpy juice."

Sleep Kiss- Sing "Armageton theme song. "I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall aslee-(snore- fall onto kissee while making (knaaaaasmacking noises.)

The Anti Kiss- Use this as a self defence to any of the above. When you are being kissed against your will, this is the easyest most efective move. Simply turn your head and let your limp tounge "fall" out of your mouth. Must land on kiss attackers skin. You can just leave it there, limp and wet and it is garenteed to wig out whom ever it lands on. Also works if they are stitting to close to you, or if what they are doing does not involve you and you need attention.(No sound effects needed but they will yell- "GET THAT TOUNGE OFF ME!"

Usually at this point I would caution you to kiss responsibly, but gosh, it is Valentines. Kiss with wild abandan. Chin up, love your mama, and practice, practice, practice. XXXXX-XXXXXXX